My Sweet Luke

You are going to be 5 years old in 3 days.

5 years.

That's how long I have been blessed to be your mommy. 5 years that I have gotten to hear your sweet laughter and see your precious smile. 5 years to watch you grow from a helpless baby to a boy who wants to be able to do everything on his own. When you were a baby I wanted to hold your hand every chance that I got. Now you reach for me and grab my hand. I don't get to cuddle with you at night anymore with your head cradled in my arm while I hold your sweet little fingers. But I do get to see you so big and brave and proud in your own bed with your striped pillow and bright night light - just how you like it.

I don't get to cuddle with you at night, but I do get to spend a few precious minutes of mommy and Luke time while we talk about the day and what's on your mind. I get to read you stories and sing you songs (you prefer Christmas ones all year round) and watch as your face slowly relaxes into sleep knowing that you are loved and cared for so deeply.

5 years that I have been able to see you experience such great joy as you learn a new trick for the first time and such deep sorrow as you want to play the game that the bigger boys are playing but you can't quite figure it out. I am always reminded that no matter what happens, as long as we have faith and each other then nothing can really be so bad.

5 years that I have gotten to learn over and over again that my greatest joy comes when I get to hear you laughing or having you just sit next to me, feeling the touch of your hand or your kiss on my cheek. I will never tire of the words "I love you mommy". Never. To watch you learn and grow and go through hard things and scary things. To succeed and fail. You are perfect to me.

It may seem like I was helping you these past 5 years, but it is really you who has been helping me. I need you. You are teaching me how to become the person that I need to be. You help me grow each day and learn things that I never would have been able to. I have been blessed in so may ways, but you and daddy and Wesley and sweet sister Emily are my greatest joys. Nothing else on this earth can ever bring me more happiness than my family.

These past 5 years I have had the privilege and blessing to be your mommy. I love the struggles and the frustrations that we both feel as we grow because get to figure them out and only understand each other more because of them. We have a relationship that I cherish and I wish that all mommy's could be so close to their sons. What a happy world this would be.

You are such a sweet big brother to your little brother and sister. They look up to you more than you will ever know. There's a lot of responsibility that comes with being the oldest child and you are embracing it. You are learning how to pause your play so that you can let sister play with the toys you were playing with or so you can show Wesley how to properly jump off the couch. While you are learning so quickly all of these new skills in your life, you are also understanding that your siblings want to do everything that you are doing. You are a Superhero and Playmate to Wesley and a Protector and Security Guard for Emily. They both adore you.

Thank you for letting me be your mommy and your assistant dragon hunter and your play buddy and your fellow pirate and your friend.

 I love you my sweet boy.

Happy Birthday.

Today

I only blew up twice today.

I was completely overwhelmed in those moments and that's what happened. I should probably word it differently. I wasn't shooting off like a volcano, but I lost my patience and was too harsh on my boys.

I had a few sight words up on my laptop and Luke was going through them trying to sound out the letters and put them into words. Wesley has been sick lately and was grabbing at my leg for some attention while I held Emily in my arms while she fell asleep.

It's 3 in the afternoon. I'm still in my running clothes from the morning. We had been gone all morning because our furnace stopped working the night before and our house was a balmy 56 degrees. Dave made an appointment with a repairman to come between 10 and 12. I've always had a problem with repairman. I wish that I could trust everyone and anyone, but the fact that I am inviting and paying a stranger to come into my home while I am alone with the kids just seems baffling to me. And makes me feel completely uncomfortable. Sweet Dave said that he would stay home and be there for the repairman while I went to his parent's house to stay warm and exercise. He loves me. We were gone until 2pm. Warmer and $500 poorer, here I was standing in the chaos.

Money has always scared me. Something must have happened when I was in my mother's tummy because the fear of money seems to run in my blood. There was one point in our marriage, 2 years in fact, that we had thousands of dollars in savings. I mean 12 of them. We didn't have to touch it and we never did. Even when we had that money I still lived like we were scraping by. I just wanted the money to be there. And never not be there. Then we bought a house. Things have been tight for us since then but we have always been able to make it. This summer we put a yard in which cost much more than we had anticipated and our health insurance covered far less of the expenses required for the delivery of Emily and the hospital stay.

Long story short, money still scares me. And if I think about it for too long and this burden that sits heavily on my shoulders, then I get uptight and impatient. Whenever I get impatient with my kids it's because my mind has been resting on the money situation that we are in. It makes me really sad every time. Only a few seconds go by before I realize what just happened and I am down on my knees at the boys' level to apologize and make things okay again. They are always very forgiving and give such sweet hugs.

I know what I have to do. I can't let this worry get to me. I can't let it effect my actions towards my children. I watch them play while I think about the fact that money is going to be tight again next month. And the next. And then probably the next.

I don't know if it is appropriate that I share this, but it is bursting out of my heart and onto the "page". I'm not doing this to have a pity-party or anything. Just sharing my thoughts.

No matter what is going through my mind or what I am worried about at the moment (because I know there will ALWAYS be something to worry about), I want to be able to let it go. Have FAITH and just live. I want to live like my kids and just enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow. Heavenly Father is watching over me and my little family and will take care of us. Instead of losing my patience I want to have my knee-jerk reaction to be to get down on the level of my child and talk with them about what they are feeling and what they need. I want to be the constant for them. I'm not afraid to cry in front of them or let them know that things are hard or that I'm worried about something. But I don't want that to cause me to treat them differently or talk differently to them. I want to be in the moment with them.

Wesley is pretty much my stress thermometer. Actually, I'm realizing this as I am typing. But whenever I am stressed, he's a basket case. That sweet boy. I need to do better for him. I need to do better for all of them. Being a mommy is hard but I am so willing to take this kind of hard. They are the joy of my life. Oh how I love them.

And tomorrow is another day for me to do better. Hooray!

Our Would-be Christmas Letter

We are doing great. Besides the fact that Wesley hasn’t slept well for the past week from sickness and that I can’t see straight because I am so tired, things are fabulous here. I’m always worried that due to financial constraints there will only be two presents under the tree for our boys, but Christmas always somehow explodes at our house with love and gifts that we receive from those who love us and our little smidgens. We had fun this year, but just like every year, I plan on making next year a more Christ centered Christmas.

Luke will be 5 years old in 6 weeks and I just can’t believe it. He is very smart and will ask questions all day about everything that he can think of. He is so curious about the world and all that it has to offer. I try really hard to answer all of his questions, but I have to admit that sometimes I have to step out of the room when he has asked his 300th question are we are only 15 minutes into the movie. I want so badly for him to continue with this curiosity and never stop thinking and wondering. He is tall and skinny and is noticing that other people have the same skin color that he does. He LOVES giving talks in primary and has given one every time for the last 3 times that the sunbeams were in charge of opening exercises. The last time they asked if he would give the scripture and let someone else give the talk. We have been doing mommy preschool for the past few months and I’m amazed with how much he has learned. He is fascinated with writing letters and will sometimes write a whole note with all sorts of random letters. Sometimes they say that he loves mommy and sometimes it’s directions to a hidden treasure. He wants so badly to have super powers. If any of you ever figure out how to give a child super powers, please let me know.

Wesley is awesome. He talks a whole lot. His favorite saying lately is, “Wait, I have a better idea.” Mostly used for the times when I tell him that he can have a treat after he eats his dinner. He jumps off of everything that he can climb onto and if he can’t climb onto it he will scoot a stool or bucket over so that he can. He is obsessed with treats and will rummage through the pantry every chance that he gets. He is 2 1/2 years younger than Luke and weighs 8 pounds less. Looking at his thick chest and cute belly you would think that he eats a lot, but he doesn’t. Our latest struggle with him is getting him to eat anything. He has gotten into his own imaginary play but still loves to play with his big brother. He loves Emily and wants to always hold her hand. He has the sweetest little squinchy eyed smile that makes me want to squeeze him all day long.

Oh sweet Emily. She is 7 months old now. How did that happen? When people use the phrase “sleeping like a baby”, they are referring to babies like her. She is a CHAMPION sleeper and this mommy appreciates it very much. She should get her first two teeth on the bottom any day now. She will play with just about everything but prefers paper over anything else. Let’s just say that my Ensign has seen better days. She loves her mommy but adores her daddy and can’t get enough of her brothers. She giggles at them while they play on the floor. The boys light up when she giggles and will always work to get more. She’s still a bit scrawny but is healthy and growing. She is all pink and we love having her sweet spirit in our home.

Dave is always looking for the next project that he can work on and the next pair of shoes that he can get. He’s been wearing $10 shoes after $10 shoes and has finally been able to go out and buy some higher quality ones. He is enjoying his job and loves his family. He is getting better about not cutting off his singing when I walk into the room when he is playing the piano. I hope someday you can hear the wonderful talent that he has.

As for me, these 4 people are my life. Each day I try to be a better mom and and wife. And some days just getting through the day is a success for me. The other day I was joking with Dave on the phone about how I should get the mother of the year award because of all that I accomplished with my kids that day. Then I heard a sweet boy behind me call my name. I turned to find Wesley covered in mascara. I just had to laugh and make sure Dave didn’t take away the award simply for a mascara-covered child.

Wow, that’s more than I expected to write. And I thought I didn’t have time to send out a Christmas letter.

Happy New Years to you all!

B