Today

I only blew up twice today.

I was completely overwhelmed in those moments and that's what happened. I should probably word it differently. I wasn't shooting off like a volcano, but I lost my patience and was too harsh on my boys.

I had a few sight words up on my laptop and Luke was going through them trying to sound out the letters and put them into words. Wesley has been sick lately and was grabbing at my leg for some attention while I held Emily in my arms while she fell asleep.

It's 3 in the afternoon. I'm still in my running clothes from the morning. We had been gone all morning because our furnace stopped working the night before and our house was a balmy 56 degrees. Dave made an appointment with a repairman to come between 10 and 12. I've always had a problem with repairman. I wish that I could trust everyone and anyone, but the fact that I am inviting and paying a stranger to come into my home while I am alone with the kids just seems baffling to me. And makes me feel completely uncomfortable. Sweet Dave said that he would stay home and be there for the repairman while I went to his parent's house to stay warm and exercise. He loves me. We were gone until 2pm. Warmer and $500 poorer, here I was standing in the chaos.

Money has always scared me. Something must have happened when I was in my mother's tummy because the fear of money seems to run in my blood. There was one point in our marriage, 2 years in fact, that we had thousands of dollars in savings. I mean 12 of them. We didn't have to touch it and we never did. Even when we had that money I still lived like we were scraping by. I just wanted the money to be there. And never not be there. Then we bought a house. Things have been tight for us since then but we have always been able to make it. This summer we put a yard in which cost much more than we had anticipated and our health insurance covered far less of the expenses required for the delivery of Emily and the hospital stay.

Long story short, money still scares me. And if I think about it for too long and this burden that sits heavily on my shoulders, then I get uptight and impatient. Whenever I get impatient with my kids it's because my mind has been resting on the money situation that we are in. It makes me really sad every time. Only a few seconds go by before I realize what just happened and I am down on my knees at the boys' level to apologize and make things okay again. They are always very forgiving and give such sweet hugs.

I know what I have to do. I can't let this worry get to me. I can't let it effect my actions towards my children. I watch them play while I think about the fact that money is going to be tight again next month. And the next. And then probably the next.

I don't know if it is appropriate that I share this, but it is bursting out of my heart and onto the "page". I'm not doing this to have a pity-party or anything. Just sharing my thoughts.

No matter what is going through my mind or what I am worried about at the moment (because I know there will ALWAYS be something to worry about), I want to be able to let it go. Have FAITH and just live. I want to live like my kids and just enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow. Heavenly Father is watching over me and my little family and will take care of us. Instead of losing my patience I want to have my knee-jerk reaction to be to get down on the level of my child and talk with them about what they are feeling and what they need. I want to be the constant for them. I'm not afraid to cry in front of them or let them know that things are hard or that I'm worried about something. But I don't want that to cause me to treat them differently or talk differently to them. I want to be in the moment with them.

Wesley is pretty much my stress thermometer. Actually, I'm realizing this as I am typing. But whenever I am stressed, he's a basket case. That sweet boy. I need to do better for him. I need to do better for all of them. Being a mommy is hard but I am so willing to take this kind of hard. They are the joy of my life. Oh how I love them.

And tomorrow is another day for me to do better. Hooray!

Our Would-be Christmas Letter

We are doing great. Besides the fact that Wesley hasn’t slept well for the past week from sickness and that I can’t see straight because I am so tired, things are fabulous here. I’m always worried that due to financial constraints there will only be two presents under the tree for our boys, but Christmas always somehow explodes at our house with love and gifts that we receive from those who love us and our little smidgens. We had fun this year, but just like every year, I plan on making next year a more Christ centered Christmas.

Luke will be 5 years old in 6 weeks and I just can’t believe it. He is very smart and will ask questions all day about everything that he can think of. He is so curious about the world and all that it has to offer. I try really hard to answer all of his questions, but I have to admit that sometimes I have to step out of the room when he has asked his 300th question are we are only 15 minutes into the movie. I want so badly for him to continue with this curiosity and never stop thinking and wondering. He is tall and skinny and is noticing that other people have the same skin color that he does. He LOVES giving talks in primary and has given one every time for the last 3 times that the sunbeams were in charge of opening exercises. The last time they asked if he would give the scripture and let someone else give the talk. We have been doing mommy preschool for the past few months and I’m amazed with how much he has learned. He is fascinated with writing letters and will sometimes write a whole note with all sorts of random letters. Sometimes they say that he loves mommy and sometimes it’s directions to a hidden treasure. He wants so badly to have super powers. If any of you ever figure out how to give a child super powers, please let me know.

Wesley is awesome. He talks a whole lot. His favorite saying lately is, “Wait, I have a better idea.” Mostly used for the times when I tell him that he can have a treat after he eats his dinner. He jumps off of everything that he can climb onto and if he can’t climb onto it he will scoot a stool or bucket over so that he can. He is obsessed with treats and will rummage through the pantry every chance that he gets. He is 2 1/2 years younger than Luke and weighs 8 pounds less. Looking at his thick chest and cute belly you would think that he eats a lot, but he doesn’t. Our latest struggle with him is getting him to eat anything. He has gotten into his own imaginary play but still loves to play with his big brother. He loves Emily and wants to always hold her hand. He has the sweetest little squinchy eyed smile that makes me want to squeeze him all day long.

Oh sweet Emily. She is 7 months old now. How did that happen? When people use the phrase “sleeping like a baby”, they are referring to babies like her. She is a CHAMPION sleeper and this mommy appreciates it very much. She should get her first two teeth on the bottom any day now. She will play with just about everything but prefers paper over anything else. Let’s just say that my Ensign has seen better days. She loves her mommy but adores her daddy and can’t get enough of her brothers. She giggles at them while they play on the floor. The boys light up when she giggles and will always work to get more. She’s still a bit scrawny but is healthy and growing. She is all pink and we love having her sweet spirit in our home.

Dave is always looking for the next project that he can work on and the next pair of shoes that he can get. He’s been wearing $10 shoes after $10 shoes and has finally been able to go out and buy some higher quality ones. He is enjoying his job and loves his family. He is getting better about not cutting off his singing when I walk into the room when he is playing the piano. I hope someday you can hear the wonderful talent that he has.

As for me, these 4 people are my life. Each day I try to be a better mom and and wife. And some days just getting through the day is a success for me. The other day I was joking with Dave on the phone about how I should get the mother of the year award because of all that I accomplished with my kids that day. Then I heard a sweet boy behind me call my name. I turned to find Wesley covered in mascara. I just had to laugh and make sure Dave didn’t take away the award simply for a mascara-covered child.

Wow, that’s more than I expected to write. And I thought I didn’t have time to send out a Christmas letter.

Happy New Years to you all!

B

Ya...it's been forever.

So we have a new baby. Yeah. A lot has happened since I posted almost a year ago. We'll see if I can keep up with posting for the next little while.

We just had a baby. Hooray! It was for sure a roller-coaster ride for the last few months. Here is Dave's story of the event.

Emily Lynn Shumway was born on Sunday May 26th at 4:59 PM.   We awoke in the morning to find that Brienne's water was leaking and we knew that we were in for an eventful day.   On friday we had been told that because of Brienne's gestational hypertension she would have to be induced on tuesday if she did not have the baby before then.   Both of us were worried by this because we strongly believe in letting babies come when they are ready and with as little medical intervention as possible.   But the choice was out of our hands.   If we waited, Brienne's life could also be put at risk.   So, we prayed a lot that our little girl would come on her own.   So, when Brienne's water broke on Sunday morning we knew it was a blessing and we needed to go with it.   So, we called our babysitter, Brienne's sister Krystyna, to come and watch the boys.   But after repeated calls she didn't answer so we had to drive to American Fork to wake her up and hand off the boys.   Then we went to the hospital.   Unfortunately, upon our arrival we found that Brienne was still only dilated to a 1 and her cervix was still thick.   They suggested we begin Pitocin right away.   We decided to wait a couple of hours and see if things could get going on their own, which they didn't.   So, we started Pitocin and over the next few hours as the doses were increased Brienne began having consistent and painful contractions.   But the progress was still slow.   As more hours went by and she had only reached a 5, Brienne decided she couldn't go another 5 hours like this and asked for an epidural. But then things got interesting.   It took about 20-30 minutes for the epidural guy to get there.   Brienne was the only mother having a baby that day in the hospital, so he had to be called in.   When he did arrive there were questions to be asked and papers to be filled out and needles to be inserted, all the while Brienne was still having contractions.   Once the epidural was in place but before any medicine had been given, Brienne was dilated to a 7 and was fully effaced.   At this point, there were what seemed like 10 people in the room setting up equipment and putting on gloves and robes.   I was a little confused by this thinking that we were still a good hour or more away from the baby arriving, but I figured there were no other mothers in labor, so maybe they were just getting things set up.   Imagine my surprise then when before the epidural guy has even had time to finish Brienne has the urge to push, the midwife gets suited up, nurses are adjusting the bed and putting the bucket in place, and then the head is crowning.   And no sooner is the head crowning then the head pops out and we have a baby girl.   A beautiful, but tiny little girl.   Only 5 lbs 9 oz and 18.5 inches tall.   Nearly 2 pounds less than Luke and over 3 pounds less than Wesley.   And shorter than them both by an inch or more.   But unlike them, she had no problem breathing from the outset and was quickly cleared by the respiratory therapist to stay in the room with us.   Everything look perfectly fine, but she was just so tiny that we could hardly believe it.   And so it turned out that all of the jostling around in preparation for the epidural got Brienne over the last little hump and our tiny little girl squirted out.   Brienne was grateful that she was able to finish up so that they could turn off the epidural before she got numb.   We don’t really know how much of the medication took effect before they turned it off, but it doesn’t really matter.   We have a baby girl and mom and baby are both doing well.   We did have a little trouble deciding on a name, but at last we picked Emily Lynn Shumway.   Lynn is Brienne’s mother’s middle name and we picked Emily because it felt good.   We have already affectionately nicknamed her Emmy for short.   She is a cute little bug.   We look forward to you all meeting her. Phew! I feel like I just went through it again! Things have been so good. Recovery was great, but I can't even tell you how exhausted I am. It surprises me even. I have had so much help from family and friends. How grateful I am for everyone. Noe I just have to figure out the whole "having 3 kids" thing is supposed to go :) Love, Brienne P.S. I just have to add, because Dave couldn't, that the contractions were horrible! The nurse came in every 1/2 hour to increase the dosage of Pitocin up 2 notches and each time she did this I would instantly have a horrendously painful contraction. And I mean HORRENDOUS. I labored medication free with Wesley and those contractions seem like a breeze compared to the ones brought on by the Pitocin. I couldn't even think straight and couldn't catch up in between contractions. When I was at 8mL of Pitocin is when things got really bad. But she still had to increase it up to 12 before the craziness happened. It took me 20 minutes to go from 5cm dilated to 10cm. Fast. After I was hooked up to the epidural I was laying back in the bed and felt the urge to push. I said "uh-oh" and Dave is still mad at me. The midwife asked if I was ready to push. This is the same second that my mom walks in after driving all the way from Pocatello, ID. She BARELY made it. I pushed once and they all yelled "you can see her head" I pushed again and she was out. It makes me laugh to remember how surprised I was. The whole thing is still crazy. To plan a birth like that, on the morning of, is so strange to me. It never felt real until I was holding her in my arms. She s straight from heaven. Seriously. A little angel in my arms. And she sleeps like a champ which is really good too.