Having kids is hard. Today was really hard. I went to sleep last night with a sore throat. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. I was up for hours. Wesley lay in my arm, Dave was sound asleep and Luke had fallen asleep in our bed. The four of us should have been sleeping but only I lay awake tossing and turning. I just knew that today was going to be hard. And it was. I don't know how to reach Luke. He is such a darling and sweet boy. But when it comes to his little brother Luke takes any opportunity to hurt him and bug him. I have tried to avoid time-outs in the past because he reacted as though I was taking his very soul away. He would tremble and shake and cling to me like his world was about to fall apart. So I used other forms of "taking a break". Until now. The last little while he has just stopped reacting to anything and I feel like all day long all he hears from me is "Stop hitting your brother." "Don't push your brother." "Give that back to him." Today just pushed me over the edge. I just sat down on the kitchen floor and cried. Within seconds both boys were sitting next to me eating their snacks as cute as can be.
Luke yells at me. A lot. I don't know why because Dave and I have done really good with keep our voices in check even when we get upset. It hurts me when Luke yells at me. In the beginning I used to worry about what other people thought about my son and my mothering skills but I have come to realize that that should be the least of my worries. My children should be my first. But boy does Luke yell. He even clinches his teeth and breathes like a dragon. Maybe he has anger issues. I strongly believe in and try really hard every time to come to his level and talk to him. To work out the emotion and teach him that it's okay to get angry, even normal, but it's not okay to act out in that anger. I don't know if he understands at all but I am willing to work on that one for years because I know it will help him throughout his life. I know that it's hard for a firstborn. He had it all when it was just him. Two parents that were all his. Then Wesley is born and that all changes. It must be so hard to go through that. He doesn't understand that we love him just the same. Well, he might, but his whole world was turned upside down in one day. But it can't be any different. We want a big family and every child is going to have to go through the transition of not being the baby anymore. They will survive. But boy is it hard for me. Trying to help them go through hard things while at the same time loving them and squeezing them for just being them. Those are hardthings for me. It's hard for me to combine the two and I know it's going to only get harder as they get older and go through even harder things.
I want to remember how precious they are. They will always be precious but the baby stage has it's special preciousness. Wesley is almost a year old. Where in the world did the time go! People ask me all the time when I plan to get pregnant again and I laugh and say, "Probably in the Fall." But inside I am thinking, "I haven't even figured out how to raise two children at the same time! I can't think about raising three."
I called my mom to get some "encouragement for a mother" and she didn't answer. She was on the other line. She's so busy. So I am typing up my feelings instead. I need to do better writing in my journal. I did really good until we moved into our new house. I need to read my scriptures more, I need to pray tons more and I need to have WAY more faith. I think I have to relearn everyday how to be a mother. These sweet boys that put up with me are so sweet to do so.
I found a poem from a discouraged mother. In it she wrote, "To some I have done nothing, but to two I have done the world."
Thanks for listening.
