A Life Change

About a month ago I had a miscarriage. My intent in posting this is not to make everyone feel sorry for me, instead I want to share with everyone the fact that I am incredibly blessed – not because I had a miscarriage, but because it opened my eyes to how blessed I really am.

Let me run you through it really fast. It was a Saturday. I was about 9 weeks along when I noticed some blood. I know women who have had miscarriages and, like everyone else, I knew that there was a risk of it happening to me. I knew that it would be sad but I didn’t know just how sad. I was shocked. I told Dave and he was shocked too. I was having slight cramping but nothing compared to the stories of what other women have gone through. I called the midwife and she said it could be the start of a miscarriage or it could be the implantation of the egg in my uterus. There was no way to know for sure until I had an ultrasound which we couldn’t do until Monday. She told me to call on that day and schedule one. But that wasn’t going to be necessary. I continued to bleed lightly through Sunday. I wasn’t going to tell anyone until we knew for sure but my emotions don’t always follow my plans. I just knew that it was a miscarriage. Somehow I had known for a long while. The pregnancy just didn’t feel the same as Luke’s but I was clinging to the hope that everything was normal. In Relief Society that day I couldn’t control my tears. The women sitting next to me, including my mother-in-law thought that I was crying because of the love that I have for my dad (it was Father’s Day). But my mother-in-law knew different and I told her that I had started bleeding the day before. I could feel her love and sorrow without her even saying a word. We had a family party that day. I tried my best to be calm and act normal. I just wanted to get everything over with but my sister-in-law (who has gone through some miscarriages of her own) told me to take everything slowly. She said that it’s a blessing that the process doesn’t take one day because we are forced to go through the grieving process so that we can move on. She told me to let my emotions be what they are – cry if I feel like crying, be alone if I want to be alone, stand up and be strong if I feel like it, talk to somebody when I need to talk. She was a huge blessing and help through the whole process. I have grown closer to her than ever before. The slight cramps were starting to get worse and worse. I asked Dave to give me a blessing on Sunday night and he did. It was beautiful and comforting. It really prepared me mentally for what was going to happen. On Monday morning I woke up and had pretty bad cramps. Similar to how contractions feel in the very beginning. I had to run to the store that morning and while I was there, things got pretty bad. I had to hunch over because the pain was so much worse. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Eventually I did. Poor Luke had no idea what was going on – or maybe he did. When I got home I did the first thing I could think to do – I called my mom. She lives in Idaho but that didn’t matter. I needed to talk to my mom. She told me she was coming down (a 3 hour drive) and told me to call the midwife and Marsha (Dave’s mom). So I did. The midwife told me to go to the emergency room and Marsha told me she was coming right over. I then called Dave and sobbed. I was having horrible contractions and couldn’t breathe. He was my support. He talked me through it. He told me that everything was going to be okay. Marsha came, we got in the car and picked up Dave from work and then dropped Luke and Marsha off at her house so we could go to the emergency room. We were there for 4 hours until everything was over. They took lots of blood and charged us lots of money. I was glad when it was over. I bled for the next 2 weeks and cried for about the same. It raised lots of questions as to what happens to babies who are miscarried. Did a Spirit enter the body? Was there a body? Will that baby have another chance at receiving a body? Was that the earthly experience? I have said lots of prayers and had lots of thoughts. But the one thing that stands out in this whole thing is that I know I am incredibly blessed. In the emergency room I realized that Heavenly Father created our bodies to know what to do in the event of something being wrong with a pregnancy. My body knew just what to do with it and did it efficiently. He created our bodies to be able to do this; therefore, He knew that it was going to happen. So, He knows how to comfort me. He knows what I am going through. I have a wonderful and supportive and loving husband. He grieved with me. He lost a baby too. He wrote a song a few nights before it happened called “Goodbye Little One”. It was his way of grieving and processing. I have a precious little boy named Luke. He is a miracle. Every little baby born is a miracle. Babies are born all day long every day, and yet they are still a miracle. Each and every one. I really slowed down since it happened. I don’t try to fill my days with projects to feel productive, but I just sit on the floor and play with Luke. We play outside, we go swimming, we read books, we laugh, we wrestle, we sleep, we hug. I am not so up-tight about the little things. Life is to be enjoyed and not worried about. Dave even said that he’s gotten the “old Brienne” back. I have realized that I have so many supportive and loving friends around me. Whether they are family, friends, or just acquaintances, people care about me. We care about each other. Nobody is ever truly alone. Sometimes it feels that way but if we reached out a little, there is always someone who knows what we are going through. Most of all, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that He has a plan for me. In the blessing Dave said that “it won’t be long before I hold another infant in my arms.” That gave me great comfort. It took me a few days to realize, however, that my time is much different than Heavenly Fathers. I need to be patient and faithful. I need to put my trust in Him and know that my life is in His hands. He loves me and I have nothing to worry about. We will be blessed with more children. I feel it. I’m not grateful to have had a miscarriage, but I am extremely grateful that I have been changed forever. I am grateful for what it has shown me.

This is much longer than I meant for it to be.

Luke and I went to a water park yesterday with our friends Aimee and Oaklee. Aimee just found out that she is having a baby boy in December! So exciting! Luke had so much fun at the waterpark and even got his first sunburn. Sweet boy.