Today

I only blew up twice today.

I was completely overwhelmed in those moments and that's what happened. I should probably word it differently. I wasn't shooting off like a volcano, but I lost my patience and was too harsh on my boys.

I had a few sight words up on my laptop and Luke was going through them trying to sound out the letters and put them into words. Wesley has been sick lately and was grabbing at my leg for some attention while I held Emily in my arms while she fell asleep.

It's 3 in the afternoon. I'm still in my running clothes from the morning. We had been gone all morning because our furnace stopped working the night before and our house was a balmy 56 degrees. Dave made an appointment with a repairman to come between 10 and 12. I've always had a problem with repairman. I wish that I could trust everyone and anyone, but the fact that I am inviting and paying a stranger to come into my home while I am alone with the kids just seems baffling to me. And makes me feel completely uncomfortable. Sweet Dave said that he would stay home and be there for the repairman while I went to his parent's house to stay warm and exercise. He loves me. We were gone until 2pm. Warmer and $500 poorer, here I was standing in the chaos.

Money has always scared me. Something must have happened when I was in my mother's tummy because the fear of money seems to run in my blood. There was one point in our marriage, 2 years in fact, that we had thousands of dollars in savings. I mean 12 of them. We didn't have to touch it and we never did. Even when we had that money I still lived like we were scraping by. I just wanted the money to be there. And never not be there. Then we bought a house. Things have been tight for us since then but we have always been able to make it. This summer we put a yard in which cost much more than we had anticipated and our health insurance covered far less of the expenses required for the delivery of Emily and the hospital stay.

Long story short, money still scares me. And if I think about it for too long and this burden that sits heavily on my shoulders, then I get uptight and impatient. Whenever I get impatient with my kids it's because my mind has been resting on the money situation that we are in. It makes me really sad every time. Only a few seconds go by before I realize what just happened and I am down on my knees at the boys' level to apologize and make things okay again. They are always very forgiving and give such sweet hugs.

I know what I have to do. I can't let this worry get to me. I can't let it effect my actions towards my children. I watch them play while I think about the fact that money is going to be tight again next month. And the next. And then probably the next.

I don't know if it is appropriate that I share this, but it is bursting out of my heart and onto the "page". I'm not doing this to have a pity-party or anything. Just sharing my thoughts.

No matter what is going through my mind or what I am worried about at the moment (because I know there will ALWAYS be something to worry about), I want to be able to let it go. Have FAITH and just live. I want to live like my kids and just enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow. Heavenly Father is watching over me and my little family and will take care of us. Instead of losing my patience I want to have my knee-jerk reaction to be to get down on the level of my child and talk with them about what they are feeling and what they need. I want to be the constant for them. I'm not afraid to cry in front of them or let them know that things are hard or that I'm worried about something. But I don't want that to cause me to treat them differently or talk differently to them. I want to be in the moment with them.

Wesley is pretty much my stress thermometer. Actually, I'm realizing this as I am typing. But whenever I am stressed, he's a basket case. That sweet boy. I need to do better for him. I need to do better for all of them. Being a mommy is hard but I am so willing to take this kind of hard. They are the joy of my life. Oh how I love them.

And tomorrow is another day for me to do better. Hooray!